Fuck

Everything reminds me of you
My brain rewires when I'm reminded
I jump, relax, it's okay "just a drill"
act nonchalant,
"oh, what me? Yeah, I know someone who goes there"

I save it all up for that one, who lives there, yes
and want to become shorter even though I would hate being shorter just because he's a little shorter and I'm losing weight, knowing it's to fit in with his body type, I would tell a thousand lies just for one day of legs and anticipation, and our lives overlap in the smallest, tiniest corner, more significant then it looks on a map of the united states,
"what right there? oh, okay, i guess i see it, maybe"
i would never ask about the parts that don't overlap, you don't ask,
of course not
Are we thinking the same things, do we both act detached but really wonder why the other is so fucking careless,
I think you are always like this.

I think I am just another one, number sixteen other one,
I hate you so much, because you restart my organs,
while appearing so relaxed, uninhibited, never embarrassed
you are the single one who affects me in a fire alarm way, run outside naked, sprinklers going off in the street, flames from the building, i'm sorry, "just a drill!!!", didn't mean to scare you
but you are so slow, so simply calm, so at ease, take your time, always taking your time,
because you can.

you called me baby I think, it was sweet, in the way I knew you meant it, not in the you want to call me every night to tell me how much you miss me
But that's never the way to do it, I would start to hate you
it is never incredibly liking anyone while calling them baby, just liking them enough to show significance
That is all I want

why is everything so s l o w
i am so confused i want you to explain it all to me but i don't want to lose it, would rather just live in a whirlwind of anxiousness,
trying to fill it, when i'm alone or tired or high or sitting in the rain or the dark,
i have nothing of you so I want something so bad, "just that little piece right there, yeah that one, thanks"
So I can remind myself it's a reality, the tiny overlap
cut the cake, it's chocolate and vanilla
I'll have it until I eat it, barely tasting until you come back.

Oh but I don't care either, just tell me when you're home
I'll talk to you while you're in college, when I'm feeling specifically well, have a good story, got a new cat
But I refuse to be the only one to initiate conversation, when I wait weeks, almost months
You excitedly respond, tell me you missed me, were thinking about me today
I know you aren't lying, you wouldn't waste time building up armies of people you want to think you were thinking about, and if you actually do that then I'm annoyed and don't even understand the simple notecard I was to memorize

So you come home.
it will be just you and me and we hardly tell anyone
it's only both of us, unless someone sees us together in the few minutes we aren't removed
we are looking for the sex, not all the time, but it happens
what, we are looking to just be close to someone, us like each other?
is that actually it? that's why we overlap, the one thing we both want
the hour apart we live, we gravitate because we understand?
we are users, supremely careless, "I'll take that thanks"
Yes I miss you
Yes I do
But I don't know what to miss
The two times I got to wrap up along your shorter than me body
the skinny ribs
the huge eyes
what am I fucking waiting for? What
because I don't know this is all I want
it worms around inside me

I don't feel like skipping ahead and reading the last paragraph, the ending page
But sometimes I really want to know all at once, skipping over words I'm reading so fast,
but that's how all the details get lost,
and I just want to read the story as long as I can

But I go though so many others, "you know that?"
It's like remembering jeans I tried on twice, I didn't buy them when I should have
not enough money
looked at them a couple times, for a couple of months,
watched other people try them on, kept quiet

I keep buying other ones, because I need to wear pants
the ones I want so badly, I do wear them sometimes, walking around the fitting room
they don't see real life, don't meet my friends, don't know what my brother looks like
I can still think I look good in different pants
the different ones are understanding in the fit, have character
But they are too light, pockets too big, too shallow, legs too short, too long, dragging in the rain,
Where did I find the ones I want? "I was here, wasn't I? Was it on Monday?"
They are hidden in the back of the rack

They were perfect, but I still keep the other ones and wear them
compliment and call them, get close to them too
not idealistic enough to wait around for the ones I can't keep
but just idealistic enough to want them, wearing them home
returning them the next day because I need to the money back
they were given no oppurtunity to ruin
"Get out of jail fre"

Unambiguous

Dressing in the hallway in front of the open locker
I don't even know him

"Hi"
"Hey"
"What's up"
He lets me do what he won't let others do,
The morning only brings us horrible conversation

"Bad day"
"I know, me too"
He coaches soccer, his mother sews my dresses, everyone's dresses
I always change in front of her

"You going to lunch?"
"Yeah eventually"
Sometimes he stops me in the hallway by my arm

"Hey, why's it a bad day?"
"1400 things"
"You're sensitive"
We met when he decided to let me what he doesn't let others,
this decision based solely on nothing

"!! I don't want to be sensitive!"
"Why"
"Because it's a bad thing"
"It is. I am too" "You take things personally and then can't get over them"

Looking into my locker,
I don't even know him

Maternal

I lie.
Newspaper print billows from my mouth in the frame.
Leaning against the closet wondering if I look awkward to you
like the twitchy boy between classes does to me.
You want to trust me so much,
But want so badly to put me back in the egg under your body,
mother goose incubating her babies.
Anonymous thank you card, blue envelope, for your efforts.

I'M STILL LYING

You are boring into my eyes,
they don't care, won't tell you the truth
They don't want you to know

DON'T BELIEVE ME

I am trying to feed it to you, not force feeding
more like low fat yogurt,
a baby spoon, wrap up in blissful ignorance
I almost try to protect you from my cruel intentions,
surprise, fruit on the bottom!
Anonymous sympathy card, yellow inside, for wanting me to be okay

Homework 1

I smell fried. Like my lungs, the ends of my hair, the inside of chicken nuggets.
My job tonight is is drive-thru customer service, another 10:30 pm at McDonald's.
The headset beeps, followed by my standard, programmed lines.
The expected staticy answer, "Hi. Yeah. Three large fries."
I'm trying to clean all the fries off the floor, under the counter, out of the sink.
You interrupted my patterned tasks.
But watching outside, I know it's you. I see it, your ugly, silly giant car, the one you tell me about in the foggy mornings, offer me rides in. Watching, laughing, holding up the line to tell me stories and smile at me sideways.
Turning the bend, you know too. You're much older than I thought from far away. Your car is unusually full.
How nice to meet the family through the drive-thru window. Your wife, the passenger, the dog on her lap, talking about mortgages and plumbing, and the son's new car.
But your presumed monogamy launches my imagination.
My standard, programmed lines, "WelcometoMcDonald's how can Ihelpyou?"


Drive away, I'll get in you are mature and attractively settled you like my nails i like your graying beard scratching my neck brushing your jaw deep voice loosened collar no dirty work pants how cute you have earrings muscular arms tanned face. Own car own house own son own business own life. warm rooms, hands, legs


And you've been waiting behind the window. The passenger seat is still talking.
I'm pushing open the window, back to the standard, programmed lines, "Sorry, that's $6.34"
You act uninterested. I choose credit on your card.
Your wife, dog on the lap, looks out the window, still telling, unaware.
I smile,
you and your graying beard, muscular arms, tanned face, leans over and winks, then shifts into drive.

Go Fish

Save me some save me some save me some
You're irresistable bait,
I'm always waiting wading in the same waters.
Drop that line,
Weighing nothing, too easily reeled in
So thrown back.

Clean Dishes

2 "What could mean more than this"
The house is empty, waiting up the street
So am I

Skinny kitten crying,
Baby, all ribs
Like you

There you are inside your car,
outside, insides wound like the vacuum cord
I guess we walked back

Brain commands body
thank god because
Reflexes are warm cherry jello

Putting the clean dishes away
"Exercise Me!"
up the stairs

It's Yellow, sunny, red
You're warm, and quiet on the bed
Laughing at me, biting

Sugary candy sweet

Falls into place?

1 "I do what I do and at least I exist"
Weeks later
There are more of you.

Passenger seat, smoky, muggy
I just want to know How can I ask when I don't know
Upside down, shoes off

Moving slowly, thinking slowly, brain commands body
Next to you, falls into place
Legs upon legs upon legs

But I just want to know How can I ask when I don't know
Too dark, too lazy
too slowly, so muddled

Yet still so sweet

Cringing, I want just one
But there are more
I just want to know How can I ask when I don't know

Fell out of place?