I do

Stretched out in bed, only in sweater tights and strapless bra, alcohol headache, cold.
I woke up an hour ago, it's after midnight, and ate cold pizza and chocolate halloween candy.
I'm starting to get the sick nostalgia feeling that always rushes in whenever I didn't spend enough time appreciating what I was doing.

The weekened was well. Interesting, I've been waiting for it for months, and now it's over.
Catholic wedding, the wedding rehearsal, the confession before the rehearsal.
The priest telling me how cute I am, to watch myself, protect myself, "just say no".
To take care of my "god-given body"
"You're so tall" "You have the nicest smile"

My uncle and I talk.
He smiles the whole time. On the steps. John Travolta, Jesus, they look so much alike.
He tells me about college,
"Not until I was 26 did I figure out what I was doing"
"You sure you aren't coming trick-or-treating?"
I love him.

The rehearsal dinner, dark room, I was cold.
Drive there, backseat, with cookies on my lap, mom and dad of bride-to-be both distracted and hating each other
(I would hate her too)
Dinner,tables, All older. So cold.
We were all introduced, fiancee always so sweet, all the guys quoting films, drinking and drinking
Enjoying Halloween here. "We're all family for these two nights"

Going home, cousin driving, passenger me, warm, new car and politics.
Trying not to smell like the smoke I waited for all day,
Locked out. Tried to get in through the window,
distracted by something in the woods, seeing it while standing on the deck.
Sitting in the driveway, locked car doors
"He probably scaled along the building and is now under the car, we were too busy watching the trees, he definetly made it over here, as soon as we open the doors and step out, he'll reach his arms out to each side of the car and cut our achilles tendons"
Remembering the doctor who performed surgeries on these tendons, then tore his own.
Scared. He drives to the gast station.
short skirt, tight shirt, platform shoes, drawn out stares from the men inside.
Leave, after looking at the muscule magazines, and lite ranch dressing.
Halloween. Reconnecting. Cell phone. Messy room.

Morning.
Get up, go out, hair done, so tired.
Make-up, worried, late to bride's house. Shoes everywhere, house everywhere, pictures, kids, mother of the bride, duck-walk to fit inside the white limo.

Now It's really late, I was in a wedding. All black and green and white and full of witty, clever people.
Sometimes I feel like I didn't have a good time unless I found someone to spend it with. I did.
A boy, of course, always a boy

Walking down the aisle too fast, first bridesmaid to go.
"Walk slow, but don't drag"
Sister tells me it looks like I was chewing gum the whole time, but I swallowed it before.
We meet, bow, seperate.
They are married. We all cry, the tears pass down the row like a cold.
How sweet. So sweet. Can only think of my sister kneeling there, the back of her head, her married.
She's only 13.

Reception. Champagne. Still the youngest. I'm cold. Again.
"I think my hair got messed up."
"It did."
"Does it look bad?"
"YES"
So many pictures, photographer always bringing up that I want funny faced photos,
"Okay everyone, this will be the funny one. It can be physically funny too. Animated"
"Where's Kaylie?"
except I was only joking when I said it

then noticing I am the only one left at the head table, lean over, watch everyone, headache
Digging through purses in the "cloak room" to find pain reliever
Ifelt so young, so unconnected, so hazy.
Then there is the same boy I saw at the church.

Finally dancing, dark and fast
I see him again later, after everyone loosens up, dancing, talking,
after I loosened up
"Rum and coke" the bartender leans in towards me, strange.
I sit with courduroy suit boy. He is very similiar to my cousin, except with glasses of beer
I thought he was a lot older. He is always watching me when he talks to me. Backing up the chair to smile at me.
He is almost drunk, we go outside, arm around me, we talk.
I am almost drunk, we are outside, up against him, bare stomach, kiss him,
I'm up and back inside.

Dancing, kids everywhere, feet everywhere, mom's friend, so old, he looks at me too much when he's drinking
I should not have this fascination with older men, always leaning in towards them, too much eye contact
He hugs me at the end, so drunk, i am so attracted to him, the eyes again, can't find the right words
"If anyone ever tells you you are as beautiful as your mom don't forget that"
He hugs me again later, grabs my hand, smiles.

Courduroy boy envelopes me and kisses my ear in front of my dad, the dad he was suspicious of for being so strong
He gets me again later, whispering how he promises to see me soon, can't wait, excited, breath warm, hands pressing into back
Like on the bench, up and down the zipper, all over my sides under my shirt
The bride asked him if he had fun with me, ("that boy was really checkin you out")
"I'll let you know later"
I reminded myself inside the church to make him a goal, and outside I got his mouth and his number.

The green bench, right outside the door.
(Inside he took my hand to dance with me, not shy, in control)
ears and mouth, body smells so good
tongue tastes like his beer, so good
Hands against skin, so good.
Eyes closed.
Telling me, "so good".

The girls I admire, they compliment me, I compliment them, storing away how they act for later,
Like a sponge.
Pick up everything to leave. Done. Done. Over. Married. Mr. and Mrs. Roller.
Read-headed bride, long-haired groom.